Dyazkhan here. Upon writing this.... it crashed on me - twice. I don't know maybe it was the things I should not say/ God didn't let those words out/ or maybe it was simply not good enough. For whatever reasons Allah knows. Trying my best to keep these tears from flowing and how I wish to be in someone's embrace right now god knows. (or maybe cause I'm listening to Sam Smith's Writing on the Wall. You readers should check it out)
And here I am, the owner of Afrilia Closet. Finally writing a blogpost on my own website. As you can see from my insta posts, I'm not blessed with fantastic English so please bare with me. If you are interested to know deeper about me as a person & my lifestory, read on.
My relationship with him, like many others, definitely isn't a smooth sailing one. Knowing him was definitely a surprise but I have always known that BEING with him is too good to be true. For the entire 3 years of knowing him I have loved and learnt. I grew up having the perception of love in which many does not view it to be. Love is unkind, love is pain, love is betrayal. Having to live in a broken home, that's what it basically does to you. Every composition story written in school are made out of your personal experience. You scored good marks because of how realistic that "made up story of yours" is. Particularly for a girl, you imagine yourself donning that beautiful wedding dress 20 years later in your life, but you'll know it is just a dream of your own. Meeting someone whom you know you can trust your life with is a fantasy too. Because all you see is that love is harsh and love is cruel. Most importantly, love ends.
And the next question that pops in your mind, why do I have a relationship then? (Contradicting much but oh well everyone contradicts as some point of their life, admit it) In my defence, my past relationships (the period up till when I meet him), I was young & well - naïve. Clueless too you might say and probably the most time wasting activity I've done. I could have achieved so much more if I didn't engage myself in kiddy & mindless relationships. (could have achieved better grades, could have not gotten as many sins, go ahead judge me.) But well like people say and as how cliché it might sound, everything happens for a reason. It was fun and games until you really meet the one you really want to spend your life with and he has to bare with the pain of moving on from your past.
I am now 18 years old. I'm not saying I'm old now but at least more parts of my brain are working compared to when it was 5 years ago. I've been called names and had rumours spread about me. I was infamous in school. In all honesty this aren't something I'm proud of and something he wouldn't want to read as well. But for all I have done If there is one thing I wish I could do, I would not get myself into a relationship - not even this one.
Why? Simply because you know what they all say if its meant to be it will be. However stupid that might sound, meaning you just have to stay at home and live your life until that right person shows up on your door and proposes to you, no. It is not that simple.
Anyways I'm here for my initial purpose, to write to him. And if the next day you still decide it is a reason worth leaving for then go on. You have successfully proved my theory of what love is like to people like us. This letter is different than yours.. For it might be the last wish I'm giving you.
Where do I begin? He has a lot of lovable qualities in him. If there was a list it would never end (or maybe now it would..) First, 1. he is funny. (anyone would firstly find him attractive due to that, I guess that's how you make a girl like you?) He impersonates me a lot and other people sometimes. This a heart-warming character of him you might find it as he observes every detail of your actions/response and remembers them.
2. He is gorgeous - at least in my eyes. If you would like to know how our relationship is like we are basically Raymond & Deborah in 'Everybody Loves Raymond'. 80% SIMILAR. And as much as I would not want to say it now, 3. he is loved by everyone. (almost - maybe..) He is kind and he is helpful. 4. He is like the perfect son in law & brother you can have. But as a boyfriend.. maybe....not.
5. Honest defines him. How great is it to have a partner who tells nothing but the truth like 98% of the time? (yea he lied before. again nobody is perfect) But I am not amongst those girlfriends who are laid back - sadly for me I wish I wasn't.. I over protect and I have trust issues. This is because 6. He is too friendly. And instead of you not trusting that girl, you do not trust him because his definition of flirting compared to yours is way off. (hence we fight a lot due to this, yes beware I'm the annoying girlfriend) 7. He is sincere. One time I was having fever for 5 days straight and he stayed up to WATCH me. Even though it scares the hell out of us both that we thought maybe I was going to die. He would grab just anything that I needed. He is such a keeper when it comes to this. Making honey tea when I have sore throat cause that's the best remedy. 8. He is awfully sweet. Once he made a book out of all the adventures we had. All the photos and all the cinemas we have visited. (boy how lucky am I?) He spent tons of hours making that for me.
Like all kind of love. It gets old and boring and maybe ran out of things to say. (like Naomi & jianhao) but as for us we NEVER run out of topics to say and we click really well. But no matter how it seems to be if God says no, it still wont happen right? Here we are, not knowing if this is something that will last or just another mindless relationship not built to last. We never get awkward, we just got very busy. (mostly me..)
As much as the cause of it is due to business, I cant deny that countless times I just want to end this business and devote my time to the people I truly love. But god must have want me to do this for a reason? Besides 9. he was my inspiration when I started this business. 10. He really loves me. I cant possibly mention another similar love to what he have given me. I have honestly never seen someone can love as much as that. (especially when it is given to someone like me) And that what sets him apart from all the other guys I have dated. 11. He loved me more than he loved himself. (and we all know how much he loves himself)
In all honesty I think in all relationship if you have someone who listens to you - count yourself blessed. 12. He listens to my countless woes. Talking about how much I've missed my parents, my nieces/nephew, how far I have drifted from my siblings. 13. He started filling up that hole in my heart. (at least that's what I chose to believe)
Like what I have vision it to be I may not end up being an unmarried cat lady, maybe I was meant for something else. Maybe I was meant to be independent and maybe with all the money that I have earned I have to help those who needed it.
Maybe I was too stubborn for anybody. Maybe I wasn't enough for anyone of his kind. The all loving and well nurtured. And yes the list of why I love him would never end. And of all the reasons I love him I would have to accept this one. 14. He was perfect, I loved him but is he meant to be mine? <3