Dear self, dont be so hard on yourself, you will achieve greatness

Afrilia Closet

 This post goes out to all of you reading. If you would like to know what it feels like to be me, my life story, read on. Im sure our lives overlapped at some parts and oh, please do not judge me as i'm here hoping i can make YOU feel better :)

I grew up.. well lets just the cut story short. I grew in a broken home but it shaped me and i'm blessed for it. Were you expecting some negative, sad vibe to kick in already so we readers can all drown ourselves into the similar, miserable lives we think most people face? This post may be of things you do not want to read but here is where truth stands. 

The hardest part about living in a broken home isn't by the fact that your parents aren't in love anymore. The hard truth is that its not about you. You feel unworthy and maybe to the extent of a mistake? But no, not every bad thing in life that happened has to be seen in a bad way, in a way that makes you feel sick to your stomach. 

I didn't say growing up that way was painless, i didn't say it never hurt me - that it didn't keep me up every night crying to sleep or almost catching myself breathless from all the tears i let out. I prayed to confide in Him about all the pain i felt as a kid who wished things hadn't fallen apart. The same way as if someone were to bully you in school and how you would run to your mom to tell all about it. That's what I did with God at the age of 9.

Many other things happened during those years. All in all, the adversity has played a huge role in making me who i am that NOTHING else ever could - in a very positive way. Sure you have two birthdays, two hari raya, two outings, two of everything! Your friends view you lucky.

But what did you truly want? To have the best of both worlds, at the same time, but you know you can never have that. And it makes you feel like there is completely zero worth in celebrating at all. Once is already too much.

But have you ever stopped? To look at how you are as a person now? Did it help you become better in some way? Of course in any situation we would question - why me? WHY ME? 

It remained unanswered until someday someone or something fixes that hole in you. I'm 19 today, it has been 10 years and to answer your question, no, it never heals. It didn't hurt any less but i'm pretty sure it didn't get worst. The pain is the same.  

Not necessarily each and every one of our questions have to be answered. Sometimes it remains a question so that you will have a reason to move on in life and try your hardest every damn day until the day you die.

Along the way i've not only lost the people i love but the things i am so passionate about have left me too. I was diagnosed with scoliosis at the age of 13, it got worse as the years passed. And from that day on, i stopped doing what i love. Sports had always been my passion. But sucks isn't it? When things get taken away from you and there's nothing you can do but to feel hopeless.

I was never the kid to score straight As on my tests. But i know enough to never mix personal problems with studies for i know that my actions then will decide how i would live life now. Would you want to look upon your life and think of how you could have acted differently last time? For some of you it may be too late, but for some, maybe its time to start somewhere. I never believed in smart or stupid, only hardworking and not. (but of course there are some genius born that's a different case)

I mugged almost everyday before PSLE only to get disappointing results. Life does not stop there. I entered a school that i chose only because it was a 5 min walk from home. Good school? I wouldn't say we were academically inclined however i was lucky to land myself into a neighboring secondary school where i made really awesome friends and had great memories there.

There, i started to live without both my parents & I learnt to be independent and when things get rough, dear self, pick yourself up, mommy & daddy ain't here. I was living with my sister who was married. Everyday was a struggle between two ends. Sometimes there were bad days and sometimes, there were better days. And sometimes when i feel the weight has been placed right down my shoulders, i would rise and remind myself that ain't the kind of role model i would like to portray to my nieces and nephew.

Seeing them to sleep every night makes me not want to give up on myself as a person and prove to them that life may throw you around but you have every strength to make the right choice. In this case, to not give up.

Well, i was thinking to myself a lot before i began to write this. But at that point time too, i lost a friend whom i liked very much, love or so. She was beautiful, witty & sometimes loud but i have never met someone so physically & emotionally in-sync with me. She was so special to me but things took a bad turn after awhile and until now it still pains me to wonder why she left. Sucks isn't it knowing you don't even deserve a damn explanation and even after all these years you are still the one who cares.

But hey that's life ain't it? You grow up and you lose friends. You learnt and you accept it. (well, atleast you tried) For all of you turning into you 20s, we have to tell ourselves,''I got this''. As scary as it seems, adult life really is scary. There's no way to turn back the time. Forward is all you have. Play time is over. 

Whatever it is, whichever situation you may be in right now, congratulations, give yourself a pat, you made it. It may not be a good life, but it is your life.

Over the years i participated in sport events despite my scoliosis problem. I would run relay & cross countries. Before it got worst i managed to get in 3rd place in the whole cohort of girls. As the years progressed, it got worse and i remember a kind act by one of my dearest friend. She stopped running together with me and said "I"ll wait for you, we will go to the finish line together okay?" But i let her run anyway. Its never about winning at that point of time. Its the thought that counted. Similarly in life, just because you are less capable than someone doesn't mean you have the right to bring them down together with you.

Never hold someone back just because you feel you are troubled. Don't bring others down because of how you view yourself. Most importantly never insult others just to make yourself feel better or be any better. Because truth be told you are fooling yourself.

O levels was nearing and i began studying everyday exactly a month before. Everyday i would sit on the computer table for 10 hours doing nothing but study. Sometimes my back would hurt a little too much but i pushed myself.  And when the day is done, that's when you have these thoughts - why am i doing this to myself. Why do i have to act so strong when actually it hurts?

I have always wanted to be a psychologist. Well, bad news is i didn't get into the course i wanted in Poly. And so i landed into school of engineering just because i'm a math freak. As much as i hated my fate, there in my Poly years i met someone so special to me, co owner of course. You see? Life doesn't turn out the way you want it to be but it did turn out the way it has to be.

Cut story short, how did i end up being in a business myself? Was all my effort placed into studying gone to waste just because now i have a business of my own? Was it just pure luck or was it because of the struggles I overcame that made me where i am now?

I got nothing i wanted, didn't mean to end up here but did i just unknowingly let my life flow, have faith and accept my fate?

Read on:

 Comment down below what you think and what other topics you might want me to blog about, thank you for reading! :)



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